A Sampling Of My Recent Google Searches That Answer The Question “So how’s life going?”

– why does my baby hate sleep
– why does my baby hate me
– how to tell your baby that if she doesn’t want to sleep on her tummy then she should STOP ROLLING OVER
– where to buy tiny baby restraints
– how to have abs without changing diet or exercising
– Amelia Earhart theories
– unsolved disappearances
– what is keto
– why does my baby think two a.m. is a perfectly acceptable time to roll all over her crib and then yell at me when she gets stuck like it’s my own personal fault that cribs have corners
– coffee delivery [zip code]
– Parks & Rec bloopers
– how to tell if you have the world’s cutest baby
– how to adopt three more babies by next week without looking like a baby hoarder
– what is the universe contained in
– why does space give me anxiety
– black holes
– The Office bloopers
– how to look generally put together without taking a shower and putting on no makeup
– why. won’t my baby. go. the heck. to sleep.

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