personal stats i want to see at the end of my life

1. How many people had feelings for me
2. Number of times I’ve fallen asleep in the middle of praying
3. Number of times I’ve almost died
4. Amount of time, in days, I spent laughing
5. Amount of time, in days, I spent watching The Office
6. A loop of vivid memories people have about me that I don’t remember at all
7. Times I’ve cried
8. Times I’ve made other people cry
9. Number of white lies told
10. Kisses given
11. Swears said
12. Loads of laundry done
14. Number of words typed
15. Miles walked (very likely low)
16. Number of people I said “I love you” to (also very likely low)

my least favorite types of people

1. People who cling to their personality types
I get it, you’re an ESFJ with an Enneagram Type Four or whatever but that doesn’t mean you get to not be an actual decent human person. Personality types should give you insight into your own innerworkings, not trap you inside of them.

2. Slow cashiers
I was being run up the other day by someone who was so slow, I swore I was on some sort of hidden camera show.

3. Name droppers
If the story isn’t exciting without dropping a name, then maybe don’t tell it at all.

4. People who say “God will never give you more than you can handle.”
First of all: what? Where are you getting that information? Second of all, it’s such a lazy way to make someone feel better. Whenever someone tells me that God will never give me more than I can handle, what I hear is “Your problems are not important enough for me to come up with a meaningful piece of advice that may fit the context of your situation, so here you go.” Just don’t.

5. Interrupters
As an interrupter, I can appreciate the sense of urgency that comes with remembering something and feeling the very intense need to share it as immediately as possible. I’m working on not interrupting as much. As a group we are very annoying people.

my favorite television couples

1. Liz Lemon and Jack Donaughy
(Fun sidenote: when my daughter has an especially epic poop, I say “Good God, Lemon!” and tuck my nose into my shirt)

2. Leslie Knope and Ann Perkins

3. Jim Halpert and Dwight K. Schrute

4. Charlie Young and President Josiah Barlet

5. Phoebe Buffay and Mike Hannigan


Things I Have No Interest In Doing
1. Meditation
2. Eating sea urchin or eel
3. Being in the desert
4. Driving a racecar
5. Deep sea diving
6. Remaining quiet when I think of a most excellent pun
7. The dishes. Ever.
8. Reading long and rambly prose describing nature
9. Talking about politics

Things I Am Always Interested In Doing
1. Taking a nap
2. Petting your dog
3. Trying a piece of whatever you’re eating (unless it’s sea urchin or eel)
4. Swimming
5. Laying in a hammock
6. Rewatching The Office
7. Making lists
8. Hosting Thanksgiving dinner
9. Going to get coffee

Irrational Fears I Have

1. Being in space. Specifically being untethered in space and floating away like George Clooney in Gravity.
2. Moths. It’s their irregular flight patterns and sometimes giant bodies. They seem to be the deranged cousin of the butterfly, and I cannot handle them.
3. Tornadoes. They can and will drop out of the sky without warning and destroy an entire city in under fifteen seconds. Screw tornadoes.
4. Choking on food while being home alone and not being able to self-heimlich. It happened to Liz Lemon on an episode of 30 Rock and I haven’t been able to forget it.
5. Cutting off an appendage with a power tool. Will I realize what’s happening too late to save the appendage? Will I remember to bring the appendage to the hospital with me so it can be reattached? Will I accidentally bring a piece of carrot to the hospital instead of, say, the top of a toe?
6. Brain aneurysms. It can happen at anywhere at time. That’s why it’s so terrifying.

A Sampling Of My Recent Google Searches That Answer The Question “So how’s life going?”

– why does my baby hate sleep
– why does my baby hate me
– how to tell your baby that if she doesn’t want to sleep on her tummy then she should STOP ROLLING OVER
– where to buy tiny baby restraints
– how to have abs without changing diet or exercising
– Amelia Earhart theories
– unsolved disappearances
– what is keto
– why does my baby think two a.m. is a perfectly acceptable time to roll all over her crib and then yell at me when she gets stuck like it’s my own personal fault that cribs have corners
– coffee delivery [zip code]
– Parks & Rec bloopers
– how to tell if you have the world’s cutest baby
– how to adopt three more babies by next week without looking like a baby hoarder
– what is the universe contained in
– why does space give me anxiety
– black holes
– The Office bloopers
– how to look generally put together without taking a shower and putting on no makeup
– why. won’t my baby. go. the heck. to sleep.