personal stats i want to see at the end of my life

1. How many people had feelings for me
2. Number of times I’ve fallen asleep in the middle of praying
3. Number of times I’ve almost died
4. Amount of time, in days, I spent laughing
5. Amount of time, in days, I spent watching The Office
6. A loop of vivid memories people have about me that I don’t remember at all
7. Times I’ve cried
8. Times I’ve made other people cry
9. Number of white lies told
10. Kisses given
11. Swears said
12. Loads of laundry done
14. Number of words typed
15. Miles walked (very likely low)
16. Number of people I said “I love you” to (also very likely low)

my favorite television couples

1. Liz Lemon and Jack Donaughy
(Fun sidenote: when my daughter has an especially epic poop, I say “Good God, Lemon!” and tuck my nose into my shirt)

2. Leslie Knope and Ann Perkins

3. Jim Halpert and Dwight K. Schrute

4. Charlie Young and President Josiah Barlet

5. Phoebe Buffay and Mike Hannigan


Things I Have No Interest In Doing
1. Meditation
2. Eating sea urchin or eel
3. Being in the desert
4. Driving a racecar
5. Deep sea diving
6. Remaining quiet when I think of a most excellent pun
7. The dishes. Ever.
8. Reading long and rambly prose describing nature
9. Talking about politics

Things I Am Always Interested In Doing
1. Taking a nap
2. Petting your dog
3. Trying a piece of whatever you’re eating (unless it’s sea urchin or eel)
4. Swimming
5. Laying in a hammock
6. Rewatching The Office
7. Making lists
8. Hosting Thanksgiving dinner
9. Going to get coffee

Irrational Fears I Have

1. Being in space. Specifically being untethered in space and floating away like George Clooney in Gravity.
2. Moths. It’s their irregular flight patterns and sometimes giant bodies. They seem to be the deranged cousin of the butterfly, and I cannot handle them.
3. Tornadoes. They can and will drop out of the sky without warning and destroy an entire city in under fifteen seconds. Screw tornadoes.
4. Choking on food while being home alone and not being able to self-heimlich. It happened to Liz Lemon on an episode of 30 Rock and I haven’t been able to forget it.
5. Cutting off an appendage with a power tool. Will I realize what’s happening too late to save the appendage? Will I remember to bring the appendage to the hospital with me so it can be reattached? Will I accidentally bring a piece of carrot to the hospital instead of, say, the top of a toe?
6. Brain aneurysms. It can happen at anywhere at time. That’s why it’s so terrifying.

A Sampling Of My Recent Google Searches That Answer The Question “So how’s life going?”

– why does my baby hate sleep
– why does my baby hate me
– how to tell your baby that if she doesn’t want to sleep on her tummy then she should STOP ROLLING OVER
– where to buy tiny baby restraints
– how to have abs without changing diet or exercising
– Amelia Earhart theories
– unsolved disappearances
– what is keto
– why does my baby think two a.m. is a perfectly acceptable time to roll all over her crib and then yell at me when she gets stuck like it’s my own personal fault that cribs have corners
– coffee delivery [zip code]
– Parks & Rec bloopers
– how to tell if you have the world’s cutest baby
– how to adopt three more babies by next week without looking like a baby hoarder
– what is the universe contained in
– why does space give me anxiety
– black holes
– The Office bloopers
– how to look generally put together without taking a shower and putting on no makeup
– why. won’t my baby. go. the heck. to sleep.

food lists

Foods I’ve Made Myself Like Out of Sheer Force of Will

1. Coffee
My college roommates really liked coffee, and I really wanted to like it too. The first time I ordered a drink a Starbucks I ordered a vanilla latte with half the amount of espresso and twice the vanilla. It was not good. I powered through, bound and determined to like coffee. Thanks, inadvertent peer pressure!

2. Sushi (specifically nori)
The first time I ever ate sushi I was well into my twenties, and immediately spit it out. The taste of nori was too overwhelming for me, and it wasn’t until one of my friends told me I could ask for the roll wrapped in rice or soy paper that my love for sushi exploded. I’ve come to appreciate nori, and while I still don’t go out of my way to eat it, it no longer ruins sushi.

3. Wine
Alcohol tends to make my heartburn flare up I tend to avoid it, but the pull of girls’ nights in pj pants with some vino was too strong to resist. I decided to find a wine that I liked. I started with really sweet white wines, and eventually ventured into red territory. Now all wine is good wine, though the drier types tend to upset my stomach.

4. Coconut
I thank our first round of Whole30 for that one. I originally had a texture issue with coconut, but that hangup has gone by the wayside.

Foods I’ve Discovered That I Like Now That I’m An Adult

1. Cauliflower
You can roast it and mash it and grill it and eat it raw and rice it and it’s just the greatest.

2. Carrots
Even though they remind me of fingers, I still really like them. They’re best roasted in avocado oil and sprinkled with salt.

3. Fish
The only fish we ever ate growing up was orange roughy or catfish, so I wasn’t quite as adept at eating creatures of the sea as one would expect a Floridian to be. I am now.

Foods I Will Never Get My Husband To Like Even Though I’ve Tried One Thousand Ways To Trick Him Into Eating It
1. Ketchup
2. Cheese
3. Macaroni salad
4. Onions

Foods I Have Gotten My Husband To Like Because Nagging Totally Works
1. Ranch dressing
2. Spicy mayo
3. Cauliflower
4. Beets
5. Crab
6. Ground beef in things that aren’t strictly hamburgers (like spaghetti sauce)

Foods I Don’t Like But If I Did My Life Would Be Easier
1. Sausage
I’ve tried a lot of varieties at many different spice levels and absolutely none of them taste good to me, which means my traditional breakfast meat game is just bacon. Which is fine. I like bacon. But sometimes I’m browsing recipes and find a delicious-sounding one that has sausage in it, and I think “Man. My life would be easier if I just liked sausage.”

2. Olives
All I taste is briny saltiness when I eat them. I like that they’re a good source of fat and I like that they’re portable and I like that they don’t spoil easily and aren’t nuts. I just don’t like the actual … fruit? Is an olive a fruit? It’s not a vegetable. (Google has confirmed that an olive is indeed a fruit.)

3. Fermented food
The digestive benefits of fermented foods are enormous, and I will admit to not being quite as adventurous here as I could be. I have tried kimchi (too spicy) and kombucha is alright, but I would love to love it. I’m not sure it would necessarily make my life easier if I liked fermented foods, but it would make my stomach happier.

4. Pineapple
Even picking it out of fruit salad isn’t sufficient, because the salad will have been contaminated by the essence of the pineapple.

5. Beer
It’s cheaper than wine and there are way more varieties, but nearly every one I’ve tried has made me gag.

6. Dried fruit
That shit is ubiquitous and I hate it all.